The Performance Factor: Why Teens Seek Authentic Faith

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Research through 2024–2026 highlights a shift in how teenagers perceive the “authenticity” of faith at home. While parents remain the primary influence on a child’s spiritual life, teens are increasingly sensitive to a phenomenon researchers call “The Sunday-Monday Gap.”

Here is the latest data on why teens perceive faith at home as inauthentic and the impact it has on their long-term commitment to following Jesus.

The “Sunday-Monday Gap” (Ritual vs. Reality)

The most common criticism from teens is not that their parents are “bad people,” but that their faith appears compartmentalized.

  • Barna (2025): Only 20% of Christian parents regularly engage in meaningful spiritual conversations with their children outside of church.

If faith only shows up on Sunday morning or in a rushed bedtime prayer, teens notice. And not in a good way.

Many teenagers say that when faith is limited to church services or memorized prayers, it starts to feel like a performance. It feels like something you put on, like a social mask, rather than something that actually guides real life. When there is no visible Monday application, no connection to how a family handles stress, money, disappointment, or conflict, teens tend to file faith away as a hobby, not a true worldview.

Gen Z and Gen Alpha have grown up in a world saturated with content, commentary, and constant exposure. They are transparency experts. Social media has trained their hypocrisy radar to be sharp. They can sense when something does not line up. And when faith language does not match everyday behavior, they pick up on the gap immediately.

What is fascinating is that teens are not looking for perfect parents. They are looking for honest ones.

They respond to apology. They notice when a parent admits doubt instead of pretending certainty. They see the power of repentance lived out at the kitchen table, not just preached from a platform. In fact, teens who regularly witness their parents apologizing, taking responsibility, and practicing humility at home are significantly more likely to stay engaged in their faith.

The opposite also leaves a mark.

When a parent passionately proclaims the love of Jesus on Sunday but spends Monday tearing down their teenager with harsh words, teens call it out. They may not always say it directly, but internally they register the inconsistency. To them, that disconnect undermines everything that was said the day before.

Research from Church Answers in 2024 highlights just how deeply this impacts young people. Teens report being especially affected when parents appear polished and spiritual at church yet come across as angry, judgmental, or emotionally distant at home. The contrast is not lost on them.

For this generation, credibility is built in ordinary moments. Faith becomes compelling when it shapes how parents handle frustration, how they speak during conflict, and how they repair relationships after failure.

In the end, it is not about flawless parenting. It is about integrated living. When faith is visible on Monday afternoon as much as it is on Sunday morning, teens are far more likely to see it not as a mask, but as a way of life.

For children of church leaders (PKs), this is intensified. 2025 Barna data shows that pastor-parents often feel pressured to hide family struggles, which their teens interpret as a lack of authenticity.

In 2025 and 2026 research, a theme keeps surfacing among Gen Z and Gen Alpha. It is what researchers are calling the Performance Factor. And for many teens, it is one of the primary reasons they describe their Christian upbringing as inauthentic.

The Performance Factor points to a version of faith that centers on social reputation and religious optics rather than inner transformation or honest struggle. It is not that teens reject faith itself. What they reject is the pressure to look “christian” rather than be one.

When faith feels like a performance, teens do not see a life changing relationship with God. They see a script. A set of lines and behaviors they are expected to follow to keep the peace, protect the image, and avoid rocking the boat.

According to research from Fuller Youth Institute in 2025, teenagers are especially attuned to what happens in the small transition moments. One of the most telling examples is the shift between the car and the church foyer.

If a family is tense, arguing, or sitting in icy silence during the drive, but instantly becomes radiant and holy the moment they walk through the church doors, teens notice. They interpret that shift as a costume change. Christianity becomes something you put on for public viewing rather than something you live.

And here is where it gets heavy.

When teens believe faith is a performance, they often feel they must perform too. They learn to manage impressions. They say the right things. They suppress doubt. They hide questions. They curate a version of themselves that protects the family’s spiritual reputation.

Over time, that constant self editing takes a toll. Many experience what researchers describe as spiritual burnout before they even graduate. Not because they have wrestled deeply with theology, but because they feel there is no safe space to be their true, messy selves within a faith context.

The tragedy is that Christianity at its core invites honesty, confession, and transformation. But when it is modeled as image management, teens absorb a very different message.

They are not walking away from authenticity. They are searching for it.

The Digital Performance Layer

By 2026, the Performance Factor has only intensified, largely because of social media.

What used to be limited to the church foyer now lives online.

When parents post polished family photos at church, inspirational Bible verses, or captions about grace and redemption while home life feels chaotic or harsh, teens experience what many describe as a Digital Performance. It is not just inconsistency anymore. It is inconsistency on display.

For Gen Z and Gen Alpha, who have grown up fluent in digital culture, this disconnect feels especially jarring. They know how easy it is to curate an image. They understand filters, angles, captions, and branding. So when their lived experience at home clashes with the spiritual persona presented online, the gap feels intentional.

If a parent posts about God’s mercy and forgiveness but at home responds with constant shaming, explosive anger, verbal attacks, or even physical aggression, teens do not struggle to interpret that contradiction. They label it plainly. To them, it is hypocrisy.

And that word carries weight.

What is striking is that this reaction is not rooted in rebellion. It is rooted in a deep hunger for integrity. Teens are not expecting flawless parents. They are expecting alignment. They want the faith that shows up in a caption to also show up in a conflict.

Interestingly enough, Jesus had strong words about this kind of image management. In the Gospels, he consistently challenged religious leaders who prioritized outward appearance over inward transformation. In Matthew chapter 23, he rebukes those who clean the outside of the cup while neglecting the inside. His harshest critiques were not aimed at doubters or questioners, but at those who performed righteousness for public approval while ignoring justice, mercy, and faithfulness in private.

Teens today are echoing a similar critique.

When faith becomes a brand instead of a lived reality, they disengage. Not necessarily from Jesus, but from the version of faith that feels staged. The more curated the image, the more suspicious they become.

In a digital age, integrity is no longer tested only in physical spaces. It is tested in posts, comments, captions, and conversations behind closed doors. And for this generation, nothing undermines credibility faster than a gospel of grace online paired with cruelty at home.

They are not rejecting faith because it asks too much. They are rejecting performances that ask them to pretend.

The “Repentance” Solution

The most recent studies suggest a simple antidote: Parental Repentance. Teens who see their parents apologize to them (“I’m sorry I lost my temper; I’m still learning how to follow Jesus in my anger”) rate their home faith as 80% more authentic than those who never hear an apology.

Here is the sobering reality.

The way you parent your children quietly shapes the way they understand God. And this is especially true of fathers.

For better or worse, parents become the first mirror through which a child forms their concept of a heavenly Father. That is not a small assignment. It is sacred. It carries weight.

When fathers are consistently angry, children often assume God is angry. When fathers are harsh or relentlessly critical, children begin to imagine God that way too. Long before a child can articulate theology, they are absorbing it through tone of voice, facial expressions, and everyday interactions.

Two significant things tend to happen in this dynamic.

First, children notice the disconnect when a parent says one thing about God but lives another way. If you speak about grace yet lead with rage, they see the inconsistency. To them, it feels like hypocrisy.

Second, they are left trying to reconcile who God actually is. If their primary spiritual reference point feels unpredictable, condemning, or cold, they often project that onto God. That internal confusion can carry weighty consequences into adolescence and adulthood.

We all know the Ten Commandments, but consider Exodus 20:7: “You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not leave anyone unpunished who misuses His name.”

At first glance, that may seem unrelated to parenting. But misusing the name of God is more than careless speech. It includes any use of His name that empties it of its true weight. That can happen through words, through vows, through worship, and through lifestyle.

Calling on the name of God while living in open contradiction to His character is one of the clearest forms of misuse. True faith is demonstrated through action. A verbal profession alone is not enough if it is disconnected from a life that reflects God’s heart. Hypocrisy does not just confuse children. It damages the witness of the church.

In Titus 1:16 it plainly says: “They claim that they know God, but their actions deny it.”

That is a sobering verse for any professing Christian parent.

Parenting is not a free pass to behave however we want behind closed doors simply because we profess to be a Christian in public. Our children see the private moments. They absorb the patterns. They connect the dots.

The goal is not perfection. It is authentic transformation.

Your children do not need a flawless parent. They need a repentant one. They need to see confession. They need to hear apologies. They need to watch you align your life with the very God you proclaim.

So be quick to repent.

Not because you are trying to protect your image, but because you are shaping someone’s understanding of who God is.

For years, the team at Fuller Youth Institute has studied what they call “Sticky Faith”, the kind of faith that actually lasts beyond high school and into adulthood.

Their 2024 and 2025 updates highlight something both simple and profound. The single most important factor in developing a sticky faith is not parental perfection. It is parental vulnerability.

Let that sink in.

It is not flawless Bible knowledge.
It is not perfect church attendance.
It is not having all the right answers.

It is a parent who is willing to say, “I was wrong.”

When a mom or dad apologizes for losing their temper, for being harsh, or even for acting hypocritically, they are doing more than repairing a relationship. They are modeling the Gospel. They are demonstrating that Christianity is not a performance for the polished but grace for sinners.

That moment of apology preaches louder than a sermon.

It tells a teenager that faith is not about pretending to have it all together. It is about recognizing when you do not and turning back toward God anyway. It shows that repentance is not a one time event at conversion but an ongoing posture of the heart.

Research shows that teens who perceive their parents as authentic, defined simply as being willing to admit fault and repent, are significantly more likely to remain engaged in church and faith communities. Why? Because they do not feel pressure to fake it.

They learn that belonging is not based on image management. It is rooted in grace.

When parents cling to perfection, teens often feel they must do the same. They hide doubts. They mask struggles. They curate a spiritual version of themselves to maintain acceptance. But when parents lead with humility, they create an atmosphere where honesty is safe.

Sticky faith does not grow in an environment of pressure.
It grows in a home where grace is practiced out loud.

The irony is beautiful. The very thing many parents fear will undermine their authority, admitting weakness, is often the very thing that strengthens their spiritual influence.

Perfection impresses no one for long.
Vulnerability builds faith that lasts.

Young people are watching closely. They are less persuaded by polished performances and more moved by authenticity. When faith is practiced around the dinner table, in moments of conflict, in forgiveness and grace, it becomes tangible.

The sacred is not confined to a building. It often shows up in the ordinary rhythms of home. And when parents choose vulnerability over perfection, they turn everyday moments into holy ground.

❤ Jen

There’s Something We’ve Missed About Mary And Martha

/ Jen Maynard / Leave a comment

Most of us are familiar with the story in Luke of Mary and Martha. I can say that every teaching I’ve heard on Mary and Martha went something like this: “Martha shows us how anxiety and stress over household responsibilities can take our eyes off of Jesus. Mary chose to forego her household responsibilities to spend time with Jesus, and that’s what we need to choose too. While true, that Jesus is to be our priority and I agree 100% – at the same time we’ve missed a very important cultural shift that took place and empowered women. Jesus doesn’t see women as second class citizens or less than men in the Kingdom of God.

In Luke 10:38-42: 

38Now as they went on their way, Jesusd entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. 39And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. 40But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” 41But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, 42but one thing is necessary.e Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”

In Luke 10, we read that Jesus entered the house of Martha, and “she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said.” To sit at the feet of a rabbi meant you were a disciple of that rabbi.[1] Luke says Martha was “distracted by all the preparations.” This isn’t about Martha wanting help cutting the vegetables or setting the table. In her Middle Eastern culture, she is upset over the fact that her sister is seated with the men and has become a disciple. And Martha is horrified! Indignant, Martha appeals to Jesus, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself?” In other words, “Don’t you care that she’s not staying in her place…in the kitchen….rather than out here with the men?” But Jesus says that Mary has chosen the good and it won’t be taken from her. Jesus defends Mary’s choice to be his disciple, sit at his feet, and learn. He affirms her decision to go against culture, step outside her expected role, and do that which was culturally viewed as a “man’s place.”

According to N.T. Wright, a New Testament scholar, Mary sat at Jesus’ feet in the male part of the house, not in the back rooms with the other women.

He goes on to say that when Mary sat at the Master’s feet, this phrase did not mean what it would mean today because she had “cut clean across one of the most basic social conventions.” It is a sign of your “studentship” when you sit at your teacher’s feet, taking in the wisdom and learning of the teacher. [2]

As a student, it was a given that you would not just study for the purpose of informing yourself, but also to be a teacher, a rabbi, when you were studying. He goes on to say that he doubts any 1st century reader would have missed the point. This is why Wright believes so many women held positions of leadership, initiative and responsibility in the early church. See Romans chapter 16 for a list of names.

It has been emphasized for years that Martha’s busyness is not the best example to follow – but Mary was being allowed to sit and learn at the feet of her Rabbi – to become educated so she could then teach others! That was a huge shift towards women being given more opportunity in that ancient culture.

Another example we can refer back to is when Jesus appeared to women as His first resurrected encounter. Despite women being deemed unreliable witnesses in ancient court proceedings, Jesus chooses them to bear witness to the greatest miracle of all.

Next time you hear about Mary making the better choice over Martha, remember that back in those days – women did not have the same privileges as men. So Jesus allowing Mary to sit at His feet while teaching, was Him designating Mary as His student – to sit at His feet was an honor, previously reserved only for men.

The purpose of this blog is to illustrate that God has created both men and women to work together in harmony to advance His kingdom. The very important position of Mary at the feet of the Master is often overlooked. There is a tendency for teachers/preachers to emphasize Mary’s decision to do what was best — she was “listening to His words, sitting at His feet.” (Luke 10:39). Our primary purpose in life is to love God, so we must spend time with Him by praying, reading, and obeying His word. That is absolutely true! In Martha’s house, however, there was something significant happening… something that isn’t typically discussed in this passage. A major cultural shift that is often overlooked is the fact that by sitting at Jesus’ feet, who was a Rabbi in that Jewish culture, Christ recognized Mary as His student, an important shift in a tradition where women were not traditionally educated.

[1] Kenneth E. Bailey, Jesus Through Middle Eastern Eyes (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2008) 192

[2] N.T. Wright, Surprised by Scripture, New York, NY: Harper Collins, 2014

-Jen ❤

Works and Fruit

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This is probably one of the heavier pieces I’ve written, but I can’t shake this realization I had when reading through Matthew 7.

Matthew 7:15-27

15“Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. 16You will recognize them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? 17So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit. 18A healthy tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a diseased tree bear good fruit. 19Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20Thus you will recognize them by their fruits.
21“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ 23And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’
24“Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. 26And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. 27And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.”

Sandwiched in the middle of these verses is the well known statement where Jesus says that there will be people who call him Lord, and claim they did mighty works in His name, yet Jesus tells them to depart from him that He never knew them and went on to call them workers of lawlessness.

He starts by saying that we will know them (false prophets) by their fruit. Don’t let the term “false prophet” trip you up here. The Greek word pseudoprophétés simply means religious imposter one who specializes in “the art of misimpression“, like how they were “commissioned” by the Lord to touch the world with their message. But when in fact, they operate by self and for self so they must be exposed for what they are – and are not!- Strong’s 5578

“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. – Matthew Henry says “Christ here shows that it will not be enough to own him for our Master, only in word and tongue. It is necessary to our happiness that we believe in Christ, that we repent of sin, that we live a holy life, that we love one another. This is his will, even our sanctification. Let us take heed of resting in outward privileges and doings, lest we deceive ourselves, and perish eternally, as multitudes do, with a lie in our right hand. Let every one that names the name of Christ, depart from all sin.” The difference here between a true disciple and an imposter is repentance and holy living. Those two action words seem vanishing in our culture today. Many have been lulled to sleep by a deception that says “I can claim to be a Christian and even do some mighty works, but live as I please for myself.”

Clement of Rome stated something similar on this passage of scripture. “Never recognized you as my disciples. While my name was on your lips, your hearts were far from me.” Let us then not call Him Lord, for that will not save us, but do the will of God.

Let me be clear, salvation is by grace through faith. Salvation is not by works. We are called to good works. But works are not the same as fruit. I realized when reading this passage that sometimes we assess our own and other people’s works as good fruit. But clearly Jesus is making a distinction here. Fruit cannot be manufactured – works can be faked.

Jesus goes on to talk about “Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.” We have to be hearers and doers of the Word.

So what are the marks of a true Christian? What are the fruit that we judge? Paul lays out 20 things in Romans 12:9-21 that are marks of a true Christian.

  1. Let love be genuine
  2. Abhor (detest all ungodliness, do not tolerate wickedness) what is evil
  3. Hold fast to what is good
  4. Love one another with brotherly affection
  5. Outdo one another in showing honor
  6. Do not be slothful in zeal
  7. Be fervent in spirit, (enthusiastically) serve the Lord
  8. Rejoice in Hope
  9. Be patient in tribulation (steadfast and patient in distress)
  10. Be constant in prayer (continually seeking wisdom, guidance, and strength)
  11. Contribute to the needs of the saints
  12. Seek to show hospitality
  13. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them (who cause you harm or hardship)
  14. Rejoice with those who rejoice
  15. Weep with those who weep
  16. Live in harmony with one another
  17. Do not be haughty (conceited, self-important, exclusive) but associate with the lowly
  18. Never be wise in your own sight
  19. Do not repay evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all
  20. If possible, as far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all

These are things we should cultivate in our own lives, they are contrary to the flesh – yet they line up perfectly with the fruit of the Spirit, which is the growth stick for Christ followers. This realization of the distinction that Jesus makes between fruit and works, calls us to examine our own lives and evaluate if we are just doing works or are we bearing good fruit.

-Jen ❤

Choosing God’s Narrative

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109393787_birdsWhat narrative are you believing? What labels do you allow to identify you?

The stories people tell about us, become our identity when we don’t purposely CHOOSE God’s narrative.

God says, ” I love you for who you are, not for what you can do.” Man says, ” I love you for what you do and not for who you are.”

Knowing this, we still fall into the roles we use to hang our worth on. Beautiful. Smart. Competent. Go-Getter. Tenacious. Superwoman. Got-It-All-Together. Perfect Wife. Efficient. Perfect Mom. Career. Wealth. Generous. ____________Fill in the blank.

We fear that if people really knew we weren’t the epitome of our labels, we would be rejected and lonely. If we aren’t hustling and achieving, then who is going to give accolades to feed our need for affirmation? We’ve shifted our focus on filling our tank with man pleasing instead of sitting at the feet of Jesus.

Have you ever thought about life, living in total freedom to be you? The YOU that God created, not the you that you try to be? I love the picture of the birds in this blog post. Such a good reminder of the uniqueness and way God designs each of us. Only we can be us. Only you can be you. Only they can be them. Why try to be a copy when you were made an original? Sure, not overtly copy another person, but inwardly harbor envy over another person’s strengths or gifting. Meanwhile your unique strengths and gifting is laying dormant at the door of a falsely created identity. Internal turmoil breeds in dissatisfaction.

When we choose God’s narrative, there is peace and freedom. It’s where abundant life is found. When we look back at our own narrative that we tried to write, we’re tired, anxious and most likely endured a lot of pain in the process.

I’m not saying, God’s narrative is pain-free or conflict-free. What I am saying is that He promises to work all things together for our good. We can’t do that on our own.

When we get to the root of wanting to write our own story, ultimately it’s rooted in fear, and lack of trust. We struggle letting go of the pen because we can’t grasp fully that He is for us. That He is good and that He knows what is best. We believe, we do.

Stop striving, stop looking for that next affirmation from those around you, stop over-compensating and over-thinking. Stop hustling for man’s accolades and sit at the feet of Jesus. Stop. Breathe in and stop.

Being set free and walking in freedom are very different things. One was done for us and the other one we choose. Choose to give up control and walk in freedom. We create burdens that we were never meant to carry when we write the story.

Let go of the pen and allow God to write the story of your destiny. Your purpose, ultimately fulfilled in Him. “God intended that they would seek Him and perhaps reach out for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us. 28‘For in Him we live and move and have our being.” Acts 17:27-28

❤ Jen

Speak Life To Yourself

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lesia-and-serhii-artymovych-V4Tm6LUuNNI-unsplash

Did you know we can mentally affirm things and not really believe them? We do this all the time. For instance when someone pays us a compliment, “You look amazing!”….. we respond (most likely) with a sheepish nod and “thanks.” How about when we read the Bible and come across a verse like “You are fearfully and wonderfully made”, we mentally agree, but the reality is we don’t believe it.

What we believe comes out in our actions. And, by our actions, we prove that we don’t really believe that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. And, by our speech, we prove that we don’t really believe it either because of the things we say to ourselves.

Walking in freedom and wholeness requires action on our part. Jesus set us free, but we have to choose to walk in it. We choose to move forward.

Transformation takes place as the mind is renewed. Renewing the mind is NOT a one time event. It requires daily maintenance. Without daily maintenance, the mind is over-taken with negativity.

Here’s the deal:

Your perspective is how you think about things, but there is a very important step that takes place before perspective and that is perception. Perception is how you see things. Matthew 6:22, Jesus tells us

“Your eye is a lamp that provides light for your body. When your eye is good, your whole body is filled with light. But when your eye is bad, your whole body is filled with darkness. And if the light you think you have is actually darkness, how deep that darkness is!”

If you can’t see things clearly, you’ll never think about things correctly.

Perception affects Perspective.

We need to back up and check our perception lenses, I like to call it “Perception Deception”- because, if the enemy can keep your perception blurred, you’ll never walk in true freedom and wholeness.

Start cleaning the lens of your perception today by speaking life to yourself. Say it over and over again until it moves from your head to your heart.

❤ Jen

The Best Guide

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gettyimages-1131369352-612x612

The best guide in community is someone who has been through the valley. I would trust someone who has been through the valley, versus someone who knows about the valley.

There is credibility in experience.

The experience of going through gives credibility, and the fact that they survived & can lead you through the same valley is a beautiful example of how healed people heal people.

People who have been THROUGH some stuff, can go back and help other people THROUGH their stuff.

See, when we hit a point in our journey where things are challenging and we are facing the unexpected, we have a choice. We can try to navigate our way through uncharted territory with the advice of someone who may know about the path, but never walked it. Or, we can find someone to take our hand and lead us down the path they have already traveled.

“He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” 2 Cor 1:4

God comforts us and we comfort others. This is how the body of Christ is supposed to work.

It’s built on compassion.

❤ – Jen

 

Pain Can Change What You Believe

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1

I want you to think about John the Baptist for a second. He was chosen, he knew Jesus, he baptized Jesus and watched a dove come down from heaven and heard the audible voice of God. When John was in prison the pain of his circumstances caused him to question what he knew and believed. He sent his followers to ask Jesus if he was the one or should they look for another. Can you imagine the depths of pain that John felt for him to question what he knew and witnessed with his own eyes? We can’t handle our pain – only God can, that’s why we must hand our pain over to God and allow Him to heal and do what only He can do.

The Atmosphere Of Your Home

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Have you checked the atmosphere of your home lately? I’m not talking about physical temperature or humidity. I want you to step back and see what kind of atmosphere you are creating in your home. Is it an atmosphere of love, safety and kindness or is it an atmosphere of anxiety, fear and disconnection? Atmosphere is the pervading tone or mood of a place. You’ve noticed the atmosphere of a place before. Walking into someone else’s house, you can tell if it is a place of peace or unrest. Remember, peace does not mean perfection. It’s the tone or mood of a place. 

A stressed out maxed out mom creates an atmosphere of anxiety and fear which causes disconnection within the family instead of  connection. In Proverbs 14:1 it says “A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands.” The word “builds” used in this passage translates from the original Hebrew word banah which means “to cause to flourish”. A household is either thriving, surviving or dying. It’s either being built up, barely floating or it’s being torn down. A wise and godly woman makes her home a place of security, comfort, peace and joy; while a foolish and irresponsible woman neglects her home and family. The wise woman creates a safe place. Is your home a safe place? The foolish woman’s home is not safe, there is little comfort and there is no peace or joy. 

It’s heart breaking to watch moms tear down the homes that they worked to build. I’m sure they never started the journey thinking that they would sabotage what they labored to create. So how does a mom go from building up to tearing down? The answer is found in Romans 8:6, “For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.” When our gaze is shifted from God, and begins to focus on our flesh, we start tearing down. This is evident through our thoughts, words and actions. 

The Bible clearly tells us what guards our hearts and mind. Philippians 4:4-9 gives us the prescription for building the things required to cause our homes to flourish.

 “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.”

1. Rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS.

2. Let your reasonableness (gentleness) be known to everyone.

3. Do not be anxious about anything

4. Pray about everything and be thankful

5. Choose what you think about and focus on

When you do these things it says the PEACE of God that no one will understand, will GUARD your MIND and your HEART.

Let’s flip the script and look at how a woman tears down her home:

1. Always complaining and finding fault. Just plain ole’ negative.

2. Unreasonable, angry and harsh. Short-tempered.

3. Anxious about everything, always worrying.

4. Never praying and always talking. Doesn’t feel thankful.

5. Chooses to think and focus on everything that is wrong instead of what is right and good. 

There is no way we can operate in the  5 things listed for building up without the power of the Holy Spirit. The flesh cannot and does not operate in those things. But, if you’re like me and find yourself or have found yourself slipping into the habits of the flesh listed how a woman tears down her home, there is HOPE!! We can reset and repent. We can choose to be led by the Spirit of God and cause our homes to flourish. I don’t know about you, but I NEED my heart and mind guarded by God’s peace. Motherhood is hard. I need guarded from the arrows of difficult seasons and the crushing blows of living in a fallen world. 

We know when we fall into the pit of complaining, being negative, angry and focusing on the wrong, are the times we are not staying connected to God. We aren’t praying, we aren’t spending time in his presence being filled and fueled for our purpose and calling to our families. It would be completely understandable if our moods matched our messes. That’s how the world operates. But, the peace that passes all understanding, makes no sense. That means, I can walk through the biggest of messes, the craziest of conflicts and my mood won’t match what I’m walking through because my mind and my heart are guarded. His peace is my peace and it doesn’t make sense. That will cause people to notice and question your hope. Peter said in 1 Peter 3:15 to be ready to give an answer to everyone who asks the reason for the hope that you have. 

Let’s walk through some examples of how this plays out and how we can choose to change our responses. We can choose to build and not tear down.  Many times these things become habits in our lives. We automatically say and do things without thinking first. Transformation takes place through renewing the mind. We have to make deliberate choices. The atmosphere of our home is the result of our choices. In order to change the atmosphere, we have to change our choices. 

1. Rejoice always: Cultivate joy. Praise the Lord! Play praise and worship music and sing loud. The Bible mentions a sacrifice of praise. Sometimes, our praise is a sacrifice. We don’t feel it, but we have to reach deep within us and exchange our pain, sadness and disappointment for the joy of the Lord. Praise removes the focus from our circumstances and places our focus on God. When we praise, it postures our heart into a place of humility and leaves no room for complaining or negativity. Psalm 103:1 “Bless the Lord oh my soul and all that is within me, bless his holy name.” Sometimes you have to tell yourself to BLESS THE LORD. All that is within me will bess the Lord! Those are the moments when the enemy would love for your lips to come into agreement with him and complain, accuse, find fault and wallow in negativity. 

2. Let your reasonableness (gentleness) be known to everyone: This one may sting a little. I know. How many times do we walk in hypocrisy by treating outsiders better than we treat our insiders, our family? What about when the kids would rather stay in public because they get nice mommy, but as soon as they go home, nice mommy goes away and they get mean mommy. I was shopping in a clothing store and saw a little boy about 6 years old with his mother. He was behaving fine, but his mother wanted a stiff robot who wouldn’t move. I looked over as she grabbed him by the jacket collar , trying to hid the fact that she was pinching his ear and in the deepest harshest voice that could come from her mouth, she said, “Don’t you try me in this store, you understand! “ The boy was wide eyed staring at his mom confused because he hadn’t misbehaved. Then as she turned the corner of the rack, she saw Sister Opal from her church. I laughed in my head as she slid her arm from pulling his ear and jacket collar to around his shoulder in a loving side hug. “Hi Sister Opal! How are you?” That mom knew her behavior was wrong, she wouldn’t have tried to hide it from Sister Opal if she didn’t. She began speaking in such a soft lovely voice to her son and Sister Opal. A vast contrast to the harsh bass voice that she has just used to address her son. This is a prime example of how we show reasonableness to those on the outside, but those on the inside get our unreasonableness. 

Here is a good way to change your perspective and catch yourself when to are tempted to be angry, short-tempered and harsh. Think about how you connect and communicate with your family versus your friends or other adults. How would your girlfriends respond if you spoke to them the way you speak to your children? What about if you treated them the way you treated your children in those moments of unreasonableness? I would be willing to guess that some of us would not have those girlfriends for very long, they would not be willing to endure our unkindness,  harshness and anger. I know if one of my girlfriends grabbed me by the jacket collar and pinched my ear while speaking very harshly, they wouldn’t be one of my girlfriends very long. There is a deception in the church where people believe they get a free pass for sin in their homes. God sees all and knows all, just because it’s behind a closed door doesn’t mean he doesn’t see and know. I have seen and listened to church kids come to my home and talk about how they are treated at home versus the pretty facade that’s displayed on social media and in public. A double minded man is unstable in all his ways. Where there is instability, there is fear and anxiety. Let your reasonableness, your gentleness be known to ALL, including your children. 

3. Do not be anxious about anything: This one is hard if you have experienced past trauma which we will discuss in another chapter. This verse prefaces do not be anxious with THE LORD IS AT HAND. In other words, he is with you! Ultimately, anxiety spoken about in this verse deals with being distracted with worry in a negative sense, like a lack of trust. Trust is hard for some people especially those who have been through past trauma and adverse childhood experiences. But, this clearly talks about choosing to trust God by praying and talking to him about everything that concerns you. Let all your requests be made known. That means that there is nothing too small or too big for you to talk to God about. When we make our requests known to God through prayer with thanksgiving, it opens the door for him to move on our behalf. The next time you catch yourself worrying about something you have already prayed about, pray some more. Worry is a distraction that never accomplishes anything. 

4. Pray about everything and be thankful: There is a difference between talking & texting about your problems and praying about them. I crack up when I see status prayers on social media. Sure, God sees what you typed, but, is it more for people to see what your feeling and going through than it is a sincere prayer to God? How can we know the heart and character of God if we never speak to him? Prayer changes things. It changes our circumstances and it changes us when our circumstances don’t change. Prayer is the oxygen of the life surrendered to God. Acts 17:28 says, “In him we live, move and have our being.” That’s where I want to be and stay, in him. We can pray giving thanks for what he has already done and what he is about to do. Think about your kids, how sweet Is it when they say , Thank you mommy for _________.” Fill in the blank. Praying about everything keeps us in a dependent place with God, instead of making decisions that put us in the position of God. Many times we put ourselves on the throne of our heart and don’t even realize that we are operating in the flesh. Prayer keeps us connected. Prayerlessness will keep us disconnected and unthankful. Instead of being thankful we become entitled. 

5. Choose what you think about and focus on: I have walked through some very dark seasons of hurt, pain and rejection. Those seasons were specifically challenging for me for this reason. Choosing what I thought about was challenging. It was so easy to default to thinking about everything that was wrong and negative. I would focus on things I didn’t have or things I had lost instead of thinking on things that were good or things I did have. It’s hard to be grateful when you are stuck in the negative. Your thoughts are powerful and turn into words and actions. In order for our heart and mind to be guarded by the peace of God that no one will understand, it requires us to choose our thoughts. We have to focus on things that are true, honorable, pure, just, lovely, anything worthy of praise. In order to think on things that are true, we have to reject the lies of the enemy. In order to reject lies, we have to be able to identify what is a lie and what is truth.  Thinking on things worthy of praise means we will have to search for the gold sometimes. We get to be a detective and find the goodness and honorable thing to focus on. It’s all about perception and perspective. Perception is how we see things and perspective is how you think about things. If your perception is muddled, then your perspective will always be off.

❤ Jen

Breaking The Cycle Pt. 2: Your Identity

/ Jen Maynard / Leave a comment

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What do you see when you look in the mirror? How do you identify yourself?

We come into motherhood with different labels, beliefs about ourselves and often times, wrong identities. I believe identities are generational. We try to justify our behavior from our identities. These actions are CONforming not TRANSforming. There are plenty of people who parent by the world’s standard. What would happen if a generation would rise up and parent by God’s standard? Through love driven Gospel glasses?

How we identify ourselves is important. The baggage we carry into motherhood affects our parenting. How we see ourselves and how we see God ultimately reveals itself in how we see, interact and parent our children.

How I feel about myself projects onto my children. How I identify myself is powerful. I can affirm a thought in my mind and not actually believe it. I can say, “Yes, I am loved by God and fully accepted.” Just because I affirm it as truth, doesn’t mean I actually believe it. My actions prove my belief.

The seeds that were planted throughout my childhood caused my identity to be CONformed to the lies of the world, not TRANSformed by God. That revelation from God has been growing deeper and deeper in my heart. All those years, I could affirm with my mind what I would read God said about me, but my actions proved my belief. One of the hardest things in my life was trying to stand in front of a mirror and look at myself with approval and not cringe from self-hatred and negative identity.

From a young girl I believed I needed to be something different, something better. Being who God created wasn’t good enough. It’s hard, I’m a work in progress…aren’t we all?

Those false identities played out in my parenting. I was hypersensitive to bullying and any social interaction that could possibly have ill results on my children. I would over-manage from fear that they may experience some type of hurt, pain or rejection. These are good qualities to have as a mom, but there are extremes to everything. I needed to trust God to lead my children in those situations. I wouldn’t be able to protect and rescue them their entire lives.

We don’t just renew our minds one day and that’s it. We have to continually renew our minds DAILY and sometimes, multiple times a day in the Word of God and through prayer.

The enemy wants to challenge your identity EVERYDAY! If he can get you to believe lies about yourself, you become ineffective. You have a purpose, a God given identity and influence in the lives of your children. We can break the cycle of worldly parenting by being purposeful about the seeds we plant in the hearts of our children and by knowing our identity. We must reject anything that exalts itself against the knowledge of God.

Mercy triumphs over judgment…

Don’t allow your false identities to cast judgment in your life. When you feel yourself coming into agreement with those false ideas, submit them to the Lord. God’s love and mercy triumphs over judgment.

He delights in you…

God is not angry with you. He did not make a mistake when He made you. He delights in you. He loves you with an everlasting love. You are unique, He knew what He was getting into when He gave you the children he did.

You can trust the ONE who died for you!

❤ Jen

Breaking The Cycle Part 1: Seed Planters

/ Jen Maynard / Leave a comment

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Changing The Language of Parenting: Seed Planters

Parenting is hard work. You’ve been entrusted with a human to raise, train and disciple. An 18 year minimum commitment to a life that looks to you for every basic need. That’s overwhelming to think about, but God knew what He was doing and He gave us a manual to follow. The Bible is the ultimate parenting manual. The Word is living and active. “All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right.” 2 Timothy 3:16

I want you to put on some glasses that will change your perspective for a few minutes. I want you to look at your child’s heart like a garden. Have you ever marveled at the process of planting seeds and watching them bloom? Seeing something beautiful and amazing blossom from the tiny seed that was planted? It reminds me of the power and potential packed in those little seeds. The content of the seed determines the value. Now look at the garden of your child’s heart. What do you see?

Did you know that as a mom, we are planting seeds everyday, multiple times a day? We have a choice though…we can choose to plant seeds of life or plant weeds. Our words and actions determine the kinds of seeds we plant in the hearts of our children.

Have you ever noticed the power a word carries? Certain words evoke certain emotions within us. Words that we may be immune to can plant seeds in another person that will grow fear, rejection, resentment, self-hatred, insecurity…..the list goes on.

As confessing Jesus followers, our job as parents is to train, to plant good seeds into good soil. He blessed us with a child(ren) to steward; arrows to craft for His kingdom. Too many children growing up in Christian homes are leaving the church when they hit adulthood*.  We have to break the cycle of broken children through our language, actions, the lies we believe and start walking in humility.

I truly believe that how we parent our children is a direct reflection of how we view God, our Father. If we are angry militant parents, we view God as an angry militant father. That is not a true reflection of God that our children see lived out through us in everyday life.

Seeds of punishment. Punishment is a word that has been accepted in the everyday language of parenting, without thought. The thought goes something like this, “My child disobeyed, so I inflict punishment. That’s the responsible thing to do, the Bible says so.” But, what does the Bible ACTUALLY say? In 1 John 4:18 it says “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” Punishment produces fear in our children and out of fear, we punish, because we want to control. The cycle starts and seeds are planted.

Name calling, threats and shaming, plant seeds of insecurity, self-hatred and rejection. Our response in a moment of frustration can have lasting affects. The plan of Jesus is redemptive, the plan of parenting should be redemptive not condemning. We don’t get a free pass to sin in our parenting. And we certainly won’t be able to remove all the weeds we planted out of frustration and anger once they leave home.

We need to remove words like punishment, fear, control, manipulation, accusations, name calling, threats and shaming from our parenting tool box. These are not fruitful tools provided by our Heavenly Father to cultivate good soil for good seeds. The Bible tells us in John 10:10 that the thief comes to steal, kill and destroy. These commonly accepted words and methods are tools from the enemy. They do not bring LIFE. They are like weeds planted in the garden.

Did you know that weed seeds are unique? Here are some interesting facts about weeds.

  1. They produce lots of seeds and multiply rapidly.
  2. The seed of a weed can sometimes survive for a very long time in the soil, laying dormant and then sprouting as soon as conditions are right.
  3. They are able to establish quickly, sometimes they sprout up in a blink.
  4. They can grow in inhospitable environments.

Words that bring LIFE are kind, gentle, loving, pure, good and useful for building up. Our words should build up, not tear down.

The content of a seed is what determines it’s value. If I gave you an old torn up box with $1,000 inside, the value is in the content of the box. If I gave you a beautiful box wrapped with pristine silky ribbon and inside it contained rotted meat, the box didn’t determine the value, the content did. You can’t change the characteristics that make a weed what it is.

Weeds choke out life! The parable of the sower teaches us the importance of planting good seed in good soil.

We can break the cycle by intentionally changing the language of our parenting. We can plant seeds of life. Words are habits. Breaking habits take discipline and require work, but the reward is amazing.

God calls us to train and disciple. Ephesians 6:4 in the amplified says:

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger [do not exasperate them to the point of resentment with demands that are trivial or unreasonable or humiliating or abusive; nor by showing favoritism or indifference to any of them], but bring them up [tenderly, with loving kindness] in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

I used the Amplified version to show emphasis on breaking down the meaning.  The word father in the original Greek, translates to mean both mother and father.

Don’t let one bad day become an excuse for every day! The Lord’s mercies are new every morning, we don’t have to default to parenting in our own strength. Each day we can choose to clothe ourselves in compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; and plant seeds of life.

Discipleship (discipline) = Strength and Good Seeds

Punishment (control) = Weakness and Weed Seeds

❤ Jen

*Barna.org